I'll tell you, sonny, that fucking Toy Story is pissing me the fuck off. I feel like I'm close to cracking the case on this whole thing. I can feel it in my fuck fucking fuckity motherfucking bones, motherfucker. As I sit, confined to my bed because I’m recovering from a 6 year coma that I recently woke up from, allow me to get you all hip to my discoveries, for it will indeed blow your mind.

After playing the beta of the Toy Story game and seemingly defeating Woody and Buzz once and for all, there's more. I fear that this is a lot bigger than anyone could have expected. After many sleepless nights of nightmares of the cutscene in the game where Woody bombs Andy and his family with chlorine gas, and how I replayed the melting of Andy's face over and over again in my mind, I got the feeling that this wasn't over. I'll admit it here. I did it. At the beginning of 2019, I broke into Pixar Animation Studios. Arming myself with a flashlight, a pocket knife, a ski mask, and an old hard chicken McNugget I found under my fridge, I got in my car and played Eminem on the way over to hype myself up for what I was about to do.

If you don’t know what the Pixar headquarters lot is like, it’s a large industrial style building on a campus site with a park area where recreational activities are held. Right before the entrance stands a giant Luxo Jr. statue complete with the signature yellow, blue and red Pixar ball just to its side. The headquarters building is adorned with Pixar movie-themed things such as statues of characters from movies, wall murals, and the such.

Once I arrived at the campus, it was 1:30AM. I gathered my stuff and left the car. As I approached the building, I noticed the giant Luxo lamp statue erected outside the headquarters building. As I turned my attention away from it, I swear I could have seen it swivel its head to face me in my peripheral vision. I twisted my head back real fast, but it was inanimate, still facing the way I saw it previously. I shrugged and kept walking, getting myself hyped up. "Mission Impossible time bitches," I whispered to myself. Once I approached the locked glass entrance to the studio, I knew I had to shatter the glass to get in. I readied my chicken nugget, and chucked it through the glass, completely shattering the pane. Oddly, no alarms went off. It's almost as if they wanted me to find out the horrible truth of their most successful franchise. I walked through the door and entered the center atrium of the studio.

Where to look now? I spent an hour checking every office, the restrooms, everywhere I possibly could in their huge facility. I was about to give up and head back home before I headed over to the Café Luxo, the dining area in the central atrium. In front of me were things like a fancy pizza oven and a burrito bar. I went behind the counter and in front of me in one of the back corners was a trapdoor lever. I knew I was getting close. I could smell it. Actually no, it was the remnant scent of delicious wood-flamed pizza that I smelt. I pulled on the lever, and wouldn't ya fuckin' know it, a trapdoor cleverly disguised as part of the floor opened up, revealing a flight of stairs going deep down into who knows where. Shining my flashlight down the entrance revealed a bevy of dusty cobwebs that adorned the inner walls leading downward into the dark abyss. Using a nearby broom to clear the cobwebs, I began my descent down the stairs, into the unknown.

I was in a long hallway that had weird symbols etched onto the walls. I then approached a door at the end of the hallway. I grabbed the knob and slowly turned it, opening the door to a long and loud squeak. Upon entering the room, to my left was a light switch. I flicked it, expecting nothing, but lights then flooded the room in a slow fade-in. I couldn't believe what I was looking at. There was a big screen on the far wall of the room and a projector in the middle of the room beside a ceremonial table and cloth with unlit candles dressing the table in a 5x5 grid pattern.

On the floor was a giant painted symbol that I knew nothing of or what it represented, but I could faintly make out a picture of that damned puppet Woody in the symbol, giving what looked like a masonic hand sign. Upon further inspection he was just giving the middle finger. There was a shelf on the wall opposite the screen with a couple of film reels, and a bunch of VHS tapes. The tapes all read either: "The New Toy; 1992" and "Toy Story 2; Work In Progress - 1996". I stepped back in horror. I slowly pieced it all together. The weird etchings on the hallway walls, the ceremonial table and candles, the symbol of Woody in the middle of the floor, this was a cult.

I grabbed one of the Toy Story 2 tapes, and bolted out of the room at literally mach 20 speed. I dashed down the hallway, up the steps, and quickly shut the trapdoor behind me, rushing out of the Pixar building. As I came out of the building, the giant Luxo lamp sitting on campus suddenly turned on, emitting a bright light that stopped me in my tracks. That was when the lamp began to, and I shit you not, move. It followed my every move, illuminating me in a powerful blinding light. I wasn't surprised by this after all I've seen the past few years. Disheveled, I promptly pulled out my hardened chicken nugget, and threw it into the lamp, shattering the bulb. I ran to my car and fired it up, peeling out of the parking lot and speeding home.

I was flagged down by a police officer who caught me speeding. I pulled over and readied my license and registration. I rolled down the window as the cop approached me. I presented my license and registration, only then to realize that the cop was Bill Cosby. What the fuck, what the fuck?!

“Do you realize how fast you were going," Mr. Cosby asked. I sat with my mouth agape."

"WELL, DO YA?" He got in my face. His breath smelled of cheap alcohol and sleeping pills. I stuttered,

"Actually officer, no I don't. You see, I have a rather difficult time trying to drive at night and it was a bit of an emergency." Bill leaned in again, smiling sinisterly.

"What kind of emergency, son?" I didn't have a good enough excuse.

"Listen Bill," I started, "I know your secret."

Cosby's smile quickly dropped to a frown. "My… secret?"

"Yeah, the fucking Jell-O Blood Pops from years prior. If you don't let me go right now I'm going on my YouTube channel of 2 million subscribers and I'm gonna cancel your dumb ass… Again.”

Cosby chortled. "They'll never believe you!"

"Oh yes they will," I snapped back. He leaned in once more.

"Show me… your channel, son…" Cosby sneered. My bluff having been called, I had to think fast. I snapped a photo of Cosby and sped off, and if I were further pursued, I would expose his real whereabouts to the public.

I made it home, parking the car and turning off the engine, breathing a sigh of relief. I then realized I had another scary tape to watch, and thought for a second about just throwing it in the trash. But then what if a nosy trashman goes through the trash like I used to and finds the tape? I decided to watch it, and whatever happens, just happens. I entered my home and immediately popped the tape in, awaiting the contents within whilst on pins and needles.

The video took about 2 minutes to show any picture, and the first thing to be shown is a production stamp:

"TOY STORY 2: THE CULT OF THE PUPPET - 11/20/1996 - DO NOT DISTRIBUTE"

This lasted about 10 seconds, give or take, before the "movie" started. It was in fully-rendered CG at this point oddly, but it started with an exterior shot of Andy's house. It stayed like this for 30 seconds as the title card played out. After the title card, it held the shot of the house for another 20 unsettling seconds, nothing but the sounds of birds chirping are audible. Then it cut to the inside of Andy's room, a close-up of his door was shown. The door opened and Andy appeared. He looked… disarranged, bedraggled, shaggy… disheveled… His eyes had dark circles and bags underneath them and his skin was a ghostly pale white. He looked dead. Regardless, he had a smile on his face as he walked into his room.

He walked up to the chest he kept his toys in, put a hand on it, and hesitated a moment on opening the chest. When he did, a loud creak was heard, and revealed Buzz, and wouldn't you know it, the ventriloquist dummy Woody, staring blankly into the camera with a tight-lipped smile. "You've Got a Friend in Me" began to play on an old broken piano as Andy reached in and grabbed Woody, with a long grin on his face and wide eyes. He grabbed Buzz as well. Andy seemed to have snapped as he all of a sudden slammed Woody onto the floor with all the force he had, popping out one of Woody's eyeballs in the process. He chortled with a sinister undertone and took Buzz into the bathroom and then turned on his bidet, yeah he had a bidet for some reason, splashing Buzz with water, causing him to zap, short out, and go into a seizure. This was disturbing. Buzz was going full Grand Mal in Andy's hand after being waterboarded with bidet water.

Andy, delirious, spoke. "I-I KNOW YOU ARE ALIVE."

Woody put his eyeball back in, although it was never right again after it came out, it acted like a bad case of lazy eye. Andy was screaming and convulsing, he had indeed lost his mind. He threw Buzz across the room and stepped towards Woody, who was inanimate again. Andy picked him up and was about to take a pair of pliers to Woody's stomach when Woody finally came to life. He took the pair of pliers and jammed them into Andy's wrist. Andy screamed in pain as highly realistic blood sprayed across the room, and he dropped to the floor. Woody stood on Andy's chest and holds the pliers to his throat.

"You don't fuck with this cowboy, son," Woody spoke in a raspy tone.

Buzz stumbled into the room, as if he were blind. He walked up to Andy and peered at him.

"They took my eyes, Andy," Buzz spoke. "They took... my eyes." Indeed, the camera revealed Buzz's face and there were just two big hollow holes where his eyes used to be.

Woody interrupted, "They almost took mine, but I had a 'hand' on it!"

He holds up a severed human arm. I did not want to know who the arm belonged to, but I had a feeling. I don't even know when this happened, all that happened was Woody's eye fell out and he just put it back in. Woody hit Andy across the head with the arm and the screen cuts to black with a loud, dull thud.

What followed was images of Woody's face with a sinister smile against a black background, illuminated in various shades of blue, yellow, and green. The images varying in color cycled through each other at increasing speed and cut away to black as quickly as it came. It slowly faded into a bird's eye view of Andy's room as Buzz had sex with various objects across the room. The books on the shelf, the Hot Wheels track, the desk, the lamp on the desk, the bedposts; You name it, he fucked it.

He even fucked a hot bowl of macaroni and cheese. It cut to a closer angle of this particular scene. You could see Buzz’s cheesy macaroni dick as he ferociously thrust it into the bowl. Hyperrealistic cheese sauce dripped off of his putrid plastic cock in horrifying detail. He unscrewed his dick from his body and began to eat the cheese and I shut the tape off. What the fuck was this shit? I didn’t want to see Buzz Lightyear having sex with a bowl of mac and cheese, it was disturbing. I got up, went to the bathroom, and doused my eyes in 91% alcohol for several minutes before calling my mother. I realized it was late at night so I couldn't talk to her.

When I came back to retrieve the tape, it was oddly playing again. I went to turn off the VCR and, you’re probably never gonna believe this, but it was scorching hot. I did the predictable thing and got my oven mitts to mash the buttons on the VCR to eject the tape. It would not eject. I lifted the VCR and all of a sudden it made a loud mechanical clicking noise like an adding machine and forcefully spat the tape ribbon at me. I smashed the VCR on the ground and it burst into pieces. I swear I could hear an electronic voice within the VCR speak. It sounded as if you taught an old-timey television picture tube how to talk.

“YOU SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT.”

The tape ribbon started to move around on its own like some weird tentacle. Oh, I got my kiddie scissors I use for making Sonic characters out of construction paper during arts and crafts and spliced the tape in half, causing it to drop to the ground. Cold. Dead. I turned to the TV and it was still showing Buzz fucking the bowl of cheesy mac, except now he was wearing a tiki mask. I got my sledgehammer and drove it through the television. I went up to my bedroom and went to bed. I pulled out my smartphone so I could scroll through Reddit for a few minutes before I dozed off, but wouldn't you know it, the movie was playing on my damn phone. I thought to myself that the only way to get rid of this was to just finish watching it. I watched.

Buzz had finished making love to the Kraft dinner and turned to the camera. His head spun 360 degrees. A voice in the background started to whisper. It chanted, "Obey the cowboy…" over and over again as Buzz's head spun again, then again, and again. Each time it spun it would get faster. Then it stopped spinning and the whispering stopped. He vomited in his helmet from what I assume is motion sickness. The scene faded out here.

The movie faded back in. The scene was at night. Woody went into Andy's living room and lit the fireplace. He then went back to Andy's room.

He spoke up, "Alright, anyone change their mind?"

The camera showed another bird's eye view of the room, where it is revealed that he has hogtied all of the toys. Andy's body was still on the floor as well, decaying and rotting.

"Ok, suit yourselves," Woody muttered as he grabbed toy after screaming toy, carrying them downstairs and chucking them into the fireplace.

One by one, Woody threw the toys into the inferno. He started with Rocky, then R/C, then the green Army men, Mr. Spell, Etch-a-Sketch, Hamm, Mr. Potato Head, Slinky, Rex, Bo Peep, Jessie, then finally Buzz. After a couple of minutes, I swear I could smell the burning plastic.

Soon after, several arms could be seen pulling away from the fire, before revealing a massive, melted-together, disastrous monster of toys, growling and gurgling as the newly formed monster pulled itself out of the fire. It had the melded heads of Jessie, Rocky, and Rex, the deformed body of a merged-together Slinky, Etch, Rocky, and Mr. Spell, and the limbs of Buzz and Mr. Potato Head. I shrieked in horror at this abomination. It was indeed the most fucked up thing I have ever witnessed. The monster crawled out of the fireplace and towards Woody. It stopped at his feet.

“Oh, so you think just because you’re now some sorta fucked up, creepy monster, that you’re gonna disobey me and my real, true, loyal friends?” Woody asked, crossing his arms fearlessly. The monster roars at Woody, blowing off his hat.

“Okay. You asked for it,” The cowboy said, then his head just fell off into the floor.

His body fell limp and dropped to the floor as his head grew eight hairy spider legs. The Spider-Woody screeched and leapt onto the monster, growing razor-sharp teeth and sinking them into the plastic flesh of this monstrosity. He injected some kind of venom into the creature as it began to get woozy and collapsed. The Spider-Woody then hovered over the mouth of the creature and pissed into its mouth with its Spider-Woody cock for 5 minutes straight. This was too disturbing for me so I decided to take matters into my own hands and attempted to throw my phone across the room to break it.

“Shatter that phone and I’ll shatter your balls, Geraldo.” Woody said menacingly.

I shrugged and threw the phone across the room anyway, shattering the screen into a million hyperrealistic shards. It was then that I realized that I threw it so hard that the lithium battery somehow got punctured and it began to smoke.

“Shit, shit, fuck!” I screamed as I whipped out my dick and began pissing on the smoking mess of a phone.

And wouldn’t you fucking know it, my nemesis, the Woody puppet, materialized from the smoke as I was pissing on it to put it out. He choked and gagged and hacked from my piss, spitting and cursing at me as I ruined his evil entrance. He regained his composure and stared at me menacingly.

“Don’t you know, Geraldo? I will make you watch the rest of this tape however I can. I. Am. God.” Woody said as his eyes rolled into the back of his head and he began to drool a mixture of blood and a strange oozy blue substance. “My followers have done my bidding for years. You opened Pandora’s box when you dug around Pixar’s trash for that first tape. You will continue to be tormented until you eventually join me and do as I say. You may think you’re trying to find a way out of this and be the hero of it all, but you will always be that nosy little garbage man who couldn’t mind his own DAMN business. That’s who you were, and who you will always be, Geraldo. Or should I say, Garbaggo?!”

Woody cackled an evil chortle that echoed throughout my house. At this point, I was rightfully pissed off. I had gotten to the bottom of this cult and it turns out that this Woody entity is nothing more than a selfish little bitch that only wants people to do evil things for him because he’s your average moustache-twirling cartoon villain with a twist of abstract paranormal that only goes around scaring people just because he enjoys it.

“The fear of mortal beings is the source of my energy, and when someone is no longer scared of me, they will serve me. And if I can’t scare you, or convince you to serve me, I will just have to kill you, Garbaggo.”

I crossed my arms. “Why the fuck was Buzz Lightyear feeling some type of way about a bowl of macaroni and cheese to the point where he was making sweet love to it?” I crassly spat. “I’d say at least take the damn bowl of mac to dinner first, but the dinner would be that mac, and Buzz would be EATING IT OUT.”

“I don’t have time for your remarks or your jokes, Garbaggo. It’s time to watch the rest of the tape.” Woody said as his mouth grew wide.

It grew wider and wider, spanning nearly the height and width of my bedroom before the tape began to play from a CRT screen that made up his gaping, cavernous, artificial maw. The tape picked up where it left off, and Spider-Woody was still pissing into the mouth of the molten amalgamation of Andy’s toys. After another 10 more minutes of this, he finished pissing and the monster toppled over, dead. The screen then flickered and rewound back to the beginning where Andy was playing with Woody and Buzz, but Woody was replaced with a ventriloquist dummy version of me. There I was, my mouth in a tight-lipped, dead smile before Andy slammed me on the ground, the eyeball popping out. The horrifying part was not just that there was somehow a ventriloquist dummy version of myself on screen, but that when its eyeball popped out, my own eyeball popped out in real life. I screamed as I realized my eyeball was dangling from its socket and began frantically trying to put it back in. It took some time and Woody was squirting eye drops at my dislodged eye to keep it moist as I attempted to plop it back into socket. After a few moments I got it back into its socket, and as I shifted my focus back to the tape, it was showing Buzz fucking that damn bowl of mac and cheese again, but this time it was being played through several Windows Movie Maker filters. It was playing it in fast motion, then played it again even faster on loop, Buzz fucking the bowl at the speed of light. It then played it in slow motion with a hue shift effect on it as Sandstorm by Darude played in the background.

After a few minutes of various different effects being put on the clip of Buzz making love to mac and cheese, including a G major effect on the squelching sounds of his dick in the mac and cheese, it cut to the final scene of the tape. It was just a static image of Woody lit from above by a harsh red light, the shadows being cast on his face harsh and ominous. The words “OBEY THE COWBOY” flashed in and out in bold, black letters while “Strange Things” by Randy Newman played in reverse and slowed down with a reverb effect on it.

The tape ended and Woody’s mouth returned to normal size. “Now that you’ve completed the initiation tape, you will do as I say from now on.” Puppet Woody said with an evil smirk.

I shook my head at him. I was determined to remain headstrong and not fall under his influence. “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you ruined my life, you stupid little ventriloquist dummy fuckface! Eat a dick! Eat this dick, eat that dick, eat all the dicks in the world! Go walk into oncoming traffic. You stink, you smell like doo-doo feces, go fuck yourself, sit on it and rotate.”

I gave Woody the middle finger and turned my back to him. He offered me a Jello blood pop but I swatted it out of his hand. This angered Woody and he screeched at me in a demonic fashion, his eyes turning into slits and growing razor sharp teeth along with a forked tongue. His skin turned a pale greenish gray and he leered at me with the rage of a thousand angry wolves. He then tilted his head back and screeched some sort of call. It didn’t take long until a knock on my door was heard.

“Open it,” said the demonically distorted Woody.

I cautiously walked to the door and opened it. Standing there was none other than Bill Cosby.

“You thought you’d get through this creepypasta without a word from our sponsor, Jello Blood Pops?!” Cosby wailed in enthusiasm as a trap tune started playing. I looked for the source of the music but couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. It sounded like it was coming from all directions.

“Jello Blood Pops,” Bill Cosby began as he slit his wrists and let his blood drip into a popsicle mold. “Made with 100% real blood, 100% of the time. 100% guaranteed to refresh you and keep you evil.”

He stuck popsicle sticks into each mold and slid them into my freezer. I had enough at this point. This freezer intruder needed to get out of my house.

I yelled, or at least tried to. My voice wouldn’t work. Nothing came out. They fucking muted my voice. I yelled as hard as I could but to no avail. I even tried to knock things over and disrupt the advertisement, but my brain wouldn’t let me move my muscles to do so. Bill Cosby was going to finish his ad whether I liked it or not. There was a sudden time jump. I am not shitting you. A literal, in real life time jump to when the blood pops were frozen solid. Cosby removed them from my freezer and tasted one with a hammed up satisfied expression.

“Mmm! Tastes like iron!” Cosby squawked.

Then, an announcer’s voice boomed from out of nowhere. “Jell-O Blood Pops; Refresh your evil!”

Cosby then vanished into thin air and a puff of red smoke. Puppet Woody then returned from using my… toilet.

“Wouldn’t reckon you’d wanna go in there for a while. Woo, doggy!” He fanned the air with his hand as he approached me. This sick fuck just used my porcelain throne. Dropped a huge log in it. I couldn’t believe what I was being submitted to. I began to speak and of course my voice worked again.

“You can take away my autonomy to roll your shitty ad for frozen treats made from human blood, you can submit me to a shitty concept reel of Toy Story 2, but I…”

I felt like I was going Super Saiyan.

“I WILL NOT LET YOU DESTROY MY TOILET!” I screamed, and I turned on my kitchen faucet and took the spray hose, spraying Woody with holy water.

I recently bought a well pump from a priest who runs a local Catholic church and used to do plumbing as a side hustle. He blessed it for me when I bought it from him and thus the water that pumps through it is turned into holy water. Wouldn't you know it, the water burned Puppet Woody’s face. He screamed and screamed, the water melting away his flesh and causing him to drop to the ground, thrashing about as his voice became more and more demonic. I stopped spraying the water and inspected the dying demonic puppet.

He stood up, revealing his inside as a half-human, half-mechanical exoskeleton. Imagine the T-800 from Terminator, but the metal frame is correct to the form and layout of human bones. He slowly stumbled toward me, staring me down with his giant blue eyes still intact in their sockets. I sprayed him with the holy water once more, and I realized that his exoskeleton is not stainless steel or titanium or any other metal that doesn’t rust or corrode, because his exoskeleton began to rust at a rapid rate. Because fuck it, holy water has that effect on evil exoskeletons, apparently. He rusted away, his body falling apart piece by piece, bit by bit. His hands fell off and began creeping towards me, using its fingers to crawl before the fingers fell off as well. Then the fucking fingers crawled towards me like worms before the fingers fell apart at the knuckles.

Just as he fell apart completely, he shrieked as he was dragged back to Hell, and he exploded into Monster Energy. That sick fucking bastard. I don’t allow energy drinks in my house because of how dangerous they are. Yeah, I’m a bit of a killjoy, as my friends say.

I guess that was that. I dusted myself off, and just as I was about to clean up the mess, I realized that my dick was out…

…and stuck in a bowl of mac and cheese.

I passed out after that and was in a coma for six years. I woke up a couple of weeks ago. I feel like maybe my job isn’t done, I feel as though there’s more to it all, and I’m very close. I’ll keep everyone updated on my progress. My head’s not feeling too good but that might be a side effect of the coma.

—

(UPDATE 12:46 AM)

I wrote out all of the above earlier and now I am feeling genuinely unwell. I feel as though my head’s about to explode from the inside and my stomach hasn’t stopped churning for hours. My heart rate is increasing too, and I’ve accepted that Woody’s getting the last laugh after all.

I’m dying.

I went to the ER earlier and they said that I’m dying. The doctor looked me straight in the eye and said,

“We took a blood sample and all we drew was a green liquid. Lab test results came back and it turns out that your blood was replaced with Monster Energy.”

“The shitty regular kind? Damn…” I said, accepting my fate.

As I take what are possibly my last breaths, I just want everyone who’s kept up with my journey to the sugar and caffeine-induced end, to know that I appreciate their support over the last 9 years. It isn’t lost on me that I heard from other folks out there that have similar problems that I do with these media franchises. You’re in my thoughts as I lay down to rest.

Stay safe out there,

Geralaaaaassaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaafgffb